This is not the first time I’ve faced my demons, not the first time I’ve craved change and needed growth.
I’ve reached the point this time where normally I would reach for something unhealthy, unproductive, to be the sugar coating on this pill of my experience that is so hard to swallow.
Not this time.
There will be no numbing out, no running away from myself, no hiding in the sideways comfort of solving someone else’s problems. There will be no charade to convince myself that the problems are from some external factor- it’s not where I live, who I’m around, how I was raised, or what I lack that’s creating problems- it’s me that has a problem. Pure and simple: I am having a problem, I am the problem.
There will be no self deprecating acts to punish myself- no hiding in an unhealthy relationship, no accepting flirtatious advances from men who make me feel sexy and powerfully seductive, secretive.
This time (as if all the other times I tried to face it were rehearsals without a script, without a director, without any supportive roles) is the grand finale of facing myself as I am: the time has come to admit I’m lost and to admit I’m found.
I’m Showing up, not running away. Here I am, at 4:04am, in the glow of the Christmas tree, 2 kittens and a wise old cat by my side, sleeping teen and 9 year old breathing peacefully into the space of our Lioness Den, with Paul Dugliss’s workbook in front of me and the support of my grandparents and ancestors behind me, Gaia below me, the infinite stars above me, my community of friends, students, classmates and family beside me: Here I am. I’m ready to do the work.
The ancient wisdom of the Vedas guides me to acknowledge, honor and care for all 5 bodies:
1. Anamaya kosha: my physical body
2. Manomaya kosha: my thoughts/emotions
3. Pranamaya kosha: my energetic body
4. Vjnananaya kosha: my wisdom body
5. Anandamaya kosha: my Bliss body
The ancient wisdom of the Sutras guide me with a 10 step program:
1. Non-harm to myself and others
2. Non-lying to myself and others
3. Non-stealing from myself and others
4. Non-excess of that which brings me or others pain or pleasure.
5. Non-attachment to things, others, a timeline, set of qualities that define me or set of qualities that define others.
6. Cleansing of my 5 bodies through detoxing, cleaning, purifying, simplifying
7. Acceptance of what is: Simply Allowing.
8. Willing myself to rise above the ashes of that which I will burn through; letting go of that which no longer serves myself and others.
9. Studying deeply the reflection of God inside me, inside others, inside all that Is and will ever be and ever was.
10. Trusting, surrendering to the Divine power that envelops all that is, was or will ever be; letting the Light fill my existence, flooding me and shining from me.
(11. Spinal Tap- turn it up to 11)
The ancient wisdom of the Tao connects me to the 5 elements, guides me to live in harmony with what is; to empty my mind of all I know; to embrace that I know nothing. Every moment is a new moment- pregnant with possibilities and unique of every other moment and set of circumstances.
With this ancient guidance in this modern world, I will skillfully navigate my darkness and return to the light on solstice, (in rhythm with the Earth)
detoxing my mind by being the witness to my narrative, Unattaching from the narrative, allowing space and freedom for my old story to fall away, to burn up, to be returned to the earth and fertilize new growth. By non judging, non blaming, NOT TAKING THInGS PERsONALLY. NOt MaKING ASSUMPTIONS.
detoxing my body by flushing with water, hot lemon water, vitamins B,D, zinc, iodine and magnesium; allowing sesame oil with Brahmi to fill my nasal passages and throat. Exfoliating and oiling my skin, massaging my muscles, eliminating refined sugar, corn and wheat from my diet for 3 weeks. Asana daily and Kundalini weekly.
detoxing my energy field with cleansing breath. With seed mantra chakra chanting. With daily 3 minute dancing/shaking. With massaging my throat with castor oil, dissolving the energetic signatures of what’s been said and remained unsaid. Meditating twice daily; letting answers come.
Detoxing my witness by exercising the space of the witness; spending time with this wisdom.
Detoxing my window to bliss by detoxing these other 4 lenses so that I can see clearly, the true Self, Atman self, Universal Consciousness,