I missed the year-in-review 2019 posting sensation because my “New Year, New Me, New Life” started December 4th when I left my husband. This is that story and so much more:
I hugged my husband so tight the morning of Dec 4th, 2019 before he headed to work. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his chest, I even wrapped one leg around him from the bed which he stood beside; I hugged him like a koala; I hugged him like I was going to lose him; I hugged him like I didn’t know if we’d ever see each other again and if so, what it would be like.
He went to work and I laid there paralyzed by what I was planning to do. I reviewed the details in my head- take my youngest to school, unplug the cameras, get the rental truck, pack as many crates as I could, take the furniture on the dolly, get the keys from the new apartment, unload, pick up my daughters from school, call my husband and tell him what I’d done. “Moment of truth,” a voice inside my head said.
I knew this action would have an equal and opposite reaction, that it couldn’t be undone or taken back or magic wanded away if I carried out the plan. As scary and difficult and crazy as it all seemed, the alternative felt wrong- staying in this marriage, in this dream house, in this blended family we crammed together, resentful of each other at all times, with a constant power struggle taking place every waking moment- it was too much. Leaving felt right. Leaving felt like my heart singing and staying felt like my heart in a cage- a cage that was making me physically sick.
Fast forward one month (today it has been exactly one month since my girls and I left) and this amazing man and I are closer than we’ve ever been. Apart, we’ve been able to untangle some thick webbing we had caught ourselves in over the past 4 years together.
Yes, we had to go through Hell to get here, to get back to a place of liking each other, respecting each other, listening to each other and understanding each other.
Yes, it was worth it.
He and I will never be lovers, roommates, or spouses to one another again, but we are something more than any of those labels. More than friends. He’s my family. His children are my family. Our children are freely spending time together and communicating as they see fit. My girls are sleeping better, feeling more peaceful and say that our tiny apartment is the best place they’ve lived in 5 years. His children appreciate not sharing his attention with me and are loving having their Dad to themselves more often.
Since July, he and I had been struggling. We sought counseling in a few different forms. We talked it out. We bared our souls and our truths. We had been at an impasse for months when I walked out so dramatically Dec 4th.
I’m happy to report that my heart is singing. The lines on my face have softened and all but disappeared. He has been inspired to return to all the self improvement he gave up to make time for us living together. We are growing separately, together. In parallel, and with loving support of each other.
“What are you running from? Why do you constantly reinvent yourself?,” he asked.
I sat with that question and stared it in the face; let it take me to some really dark parts of myself before admitting that he’s right…I’m a runner. He’s right…I’m constantly reinventing myself. I have been running from myself!
Looking and listening deeply to all the internal and external factors that have lead me to the point where I am now, I see clearly that I have some unhealthy attachments- which all serve to distract myself from my own demons, my own internal mess that needs cleaning.
I’ve been deeply exploring and doing the work, so to speak. I’ve been and will remain sober- present with the difficult and the wonderful times. I’ve been deflecting and rescinding any flirtatious male energy that gets offered to me, and will continue to deny that distraction. I’m working the 12 Step Recovery program as guided by Russel Brand. I’m studying Yoga of 12 Step Recovery with Nikki Meyers. I’m working the 30 day workbook written by my mentor Dr Dugliss- learning to think with the heart and love with the mind. I’ve confronted my family members who have engaged in habits that subtly and steadily hurt me since childhood. I’ve authentically voiced that which I’ve kept hidden in my throat like a painful ball of stuck energy.
2020 is going to be and already is an amazing year of shining my brightest and returning myself back to myself. I no longer need to please everyone (or anyone). I don’t need to put up with any behaviors that hurt me and my children, no matter the source. I’m going to learn Spanish and grow my brand on Instagram providing free meditation guidance and ancient wisdom. I’m going to rock Chinese Medicine exams in Grad school and guide Yoga Teachers through incredible adventures and support my daughters in our sanctuary apartment with full presence and patience and I will continue living with all my heart, loving with my mind, putting down the gavel of judgement for myself and anyone else.
2020 will be hard, because life is hard. The calendar doesn’t turn over and magically life is easy peasy lemon squeezey. But just because it’s hard doesn’t mean that it won’t also be magical, fantastic and full of growth toward clean peace, radiant joy and simplicity.
Let’s do this, and let it be done in Love!!!